PANDAS D/O Word Action of the day: perseveration

The word meaning of our PANDAS D/O Journey today: per·sev·er·a·tion (pər-sĕvˌə-rāˈshən) a. Uncontrollable repetition of a particular response, such as a word, phrase, or gesture, despite the absence or cessation of a stimulus, usually caused by brain injury or other organic disorder. b. The tendency to continue or repeat an act or activity after the cessation of the original stimulus.

So, that is our day today. As I sit here with our son who had just spent an hour crying and screaming because his paper model of a Nintendo DS was not “quite right”, God has been bringing my mind back to HIS words in Scripture and then HE reminds me of what HE led me to write in 2006 regarding a question posed to me by a friend regarding Joshua’s Autism. So, I share it with you….

Regarding his steroid treatments. I have no idea if they are working. I am hoping we will see results, but if not, we will keep moving forward. I have been blessed that my employer has allowed me to take a week of FMLA to be home with Joshua as he has not been able to finish the school year at his school. He is a trooper.


“HE STORES MY TEARS…”
Section taken from:

The True Intimacy Of Becoming A Water Walker
By: Angel S. Thompson
Copyright Year: © 2006
Published by Unleashing Potential Ministries

All Rights Reserved.

It was a Saturday morning as I began to prepare for the day’s events at our ladies retreat when my friend, lying in her bed, looked at me and asked me quietly and gently, “Have you grieved about Joshua’s autism?” Being a pastor’s wife and the director of an autism group I stood there and thought for a moment, realizing that I do not “share” my grief openly…if I have grieved much at all. As I began to share with her my feelings and fears my heart began to weep as it displayed itself in tears. I shared that in light of everything I must remain strong, yet there are days that I sit and cry. I weep over the fact that the dreams I once had for Joshua were blown away like dust when we heard the word, AUTISM. I weep over the fear of what would happen to Joshua if something should happen to my husband and me. Would anyone love Joshua like we do, or would they not take the time to understand him and just send him away to disappear into his own world? I shared that I often feel that I have failed as a mommy as I sit weeping on the floor as my son is having a meltdown beside me.

I believe we all grieve in our own way. I believe my “grieving” is always before me when I see faces, stares and hear whispers. When family members try to blame us as parents and don’t support us and when friends disappear since our son’s diagnosis. It’s true; my heart grieves a little more each time for my son; the precious one who reaches out to love and be loved. This selfless boy who would and has given up his last raisin because his little sister asked if she could have one, or has seen his sister napping and covered her with a blanket. This little boy who, in excitement, tosses an object and it accidentally hits his sister and he quickly says, “Sorry sissy.” Then, just today, for the first time, wanting to make sure his sister was behind him said, “Come on, sissy, come on”, as we walked out the door.

When I sit and ponder “tears” and “grieving” I am reminded of several passages in scripture. “Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.” Psalm 126:5

Another famous passage that causes me to stop and bask in the love my Lord has for me is found in Psalm 56:8. “Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record?” In the KJV it says that he puts “my tears into thy bottle”. God knows each time I have wept. My grieving has not gone unnoticed and neither has your weeping.

There are so many other passages that touch on “tears”, Ecclesiastes 4, Luke 7, 2 Timothy 1, Revelation 7 and 21, 2 Kings 20:5.

Yet, there is one that always causes me to pause. Jesus’ dear friend was sick and dying. By the time Jesus arrived, Lazarus had died. One thing I noticed in this passage was something interesting. I would have expected Martha to be the voice in grieving while Mary sat weeping silently, yet in John 11:32, Mary cries out to Jesus. Her grief no longer contained and I can only imagine the emotions escaping as she fell to the feet of Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” (Do you remember the passage in Psalm 126?) Here was Mary at His feet weeping. He looks around and sees the others weeping and He is moved in spirit….and he weeps. Whether you grieve silently or openly, our Lord weeps with you, grieves with you in your pain, in your loss, in your struggles, in the midst of your uncertainty, in your….everything.

To answer my dear friend’s question, I guess I have and do grieve about my son’s Autism. Yet I don’t let it end there for I know with all the sowing in tears I have already reaped mounds of joy as I see what God has done in our son’s life and anticipate what He will do in the future.

As you sit this week and possibly reflect on the uncertainty in your own life I pray you remember this: You have a Lord who captures every tear, not one goes unnoticed and he is moved by your weeping. May you also know that one day we have the promise that all tears will be gone, all grief will end. (Revelation 7 & 21) Allow yourself to weep, and allow yourself to look beyond and reap the joy He has set before you as you walk in the midst of uncertainty.

Intimate moment with Christ
I remember when my counselor in college gave me permission to cry. What a freeing moment that was for me. If you have never felt that freedom, I give you the freedom and permission to cry, to weep and allow your God to capture your tears.